Happy new year to you! I wish you all the best!
Here are some quick tips to help you have a successful 2017,
based on your own success strategies!
Find out what your unconscious mind already knows.
Happy new year to you! I wish you all the best!
Here are some quick tips to help you have a successful 2017,
based on your own success strategies!
Find out what your unconscious mind already knows.
I’m here in beautiful Egypt in El Quesir on the Red Sea. Today our topic is decision making. People can have a very hard time in decision making. It can be one of the most difficult things to do particularly if you are not aware of how you make decisions.
I have a friend who every time he goes to make a decision, it’s a long and arduous process. Why? Because first of all he says “I can’t make a decision.” thereby giving himself a command to make it difficult. He is not aware of this. Secondly, he comes up with a number of choices, ever more choices and then he thinks about why this choice isn’t perfect, why it won’t work. So it’s agonizing for him.
Do you have a difficult time when making decisions?
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I have another friend who gets an idea then does it and often finds it’s not necessarily the right idea.
Two very ineffective decision making strategies. One consists of generating many options and then doing what we call in LAB Profile terms analyzing what is the problem, what he wants to move away from in each one of those options.
The second person jumps into decisions without thinking them through. He’s very proactive and he needs to be a bit more reactive.
So let’s look at some tips to how you can make better decisions.
First, be aware of how you make decisions. When you’re going through a decision making process what is it that you’re doing? How are you doing it? Are you pleased with your decisions in hind sight? The only way to evaluate a decision of course is what happened later.
Here are some tips for how to make decision making easier and how you can make better decisions.
First of all ask yourself what’s important to you with regards to this decision. If you’re making a purchase for example, what does it need to do for you? So if you’re going to purchase a camera, let’s just take a small example. What’s important to you? Do you want it to be able to take pictures under water? Do you want it to be easy to use? Do you want to have many adjustments so you can fine tune what you do? Make a list of your criteria: all of the things that are important to you. Figure out which ones are the most important criteria and the ones which are optional; the must haves and the options.
Second step, what are the choices available? Now here it’s important to choose the right number of choices. If you have too many choices but no set of criteria, it’s very hard to know what to do. Once you have your criteria, get yourself three, four, or five maximum choices and evaluate them against your criteria; which ones line up the best. If you’re not sure at this point which choices are the best according to your criteria, ask someone you trust to help you evaluate these.
Third, imagine you’ve chosen one of the choices and imagine you’re in the future. Is this the right decision six months from now, two years from now, three years from now because the only way to know if it’s the right choice of course is to look back from the future into the past and see if it was the right one.
So there are some tips for making a decision: decide what’s important to you, evaluate the options against those criteria and pretend you’ve made this decision and had to live with it for a while, does it still feel like it’s the right one.
Do you have a difficult time when making decisions?
You know, I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Is it not possible that you could do a few things and apply it and solve any problem anywhere, anytime? So here are my thoughts, the solution to any problem.
Well, first of all, it’s either a question of intelligence or brute strength. So sometimes you need to use your brain to solve a problem and sometimes, you know, particular physical things like get the jar open, it needs brute strength. So those are my first two thoughts, intelligence or brute strength. Then I thought, “That’s not enough,” because you also need sometimes imagination. Raw intelligence isn’t enough. Sometimes you have to change perspectives and see things from another angle. So that made three solutions: intelligence, brute strength, and imagination. I thought, “That’s not enough.” Sometimes you need persistence like the thing you tried first of all, didn’t work. You’ve got to try again and you’ve got to try again particularly when you’re honing a skill or learning a new language. I’m learning German and I really need persistence. You got to keep going.
I’m here today in Berlin so I guess it’s appropriate that our theme today is cross-cultural communication, how people from different kinds of cultures can get along better.
You know, some cultures are more direct and upfront. People just say what they want to say. And other cultures don’t say no, they don’t say yes, they’re more indirect. That’s two of the differences.
Many people have difficulty with influencing and persuasion because unconsciously, we tend to use the same strategies on other people that we would like to have other people use on us, and it’s all out of our awareness. Let’s bring a couple of things into your awareness by looking at the Language and Behavior Profile™, which is a tool that I’ve built my best-selling book on; “Words That Change Minds”, and my new book, “The Customer is Bothering Me”. Here are some of the key things you need to do to
increase your ability to influence and persuade, if you want to increase your sales, solve problems with your family, have better relationships, and be more convincing with your teen.
First of all, let’s look at rapport and credibility; two key ingredients in influencing and persuasion. We know that rapport and credibility are based on people believing that there’s some common points. So the first thing that we look at in the LAB Profile are what are those common points that are really going to make a difference? For instance, if you don’t know what’s important to the other person, chances are you’re speaking about what’s important to you. So the very first thing you need to look at is what are the criteria to which the other person thinks they are important.
So you can ask a simple question like “What’s important to you about this?” as you’re talking to someone and then make sure that you remember exactly what they said. Watch the gestures that people make when they talk about what’s important. That’s a very important point. I’m really repeating the word important so you might know that that word is important to me. Listen to what people repeat. Play back to them the answer to the question “what do you want” or “what is important to you?”
The second thing we want to look at the LAB Profile triggers: are they motivated to get what they want or are they more motivated to avoid problems and move away from issues and things they don’t want to have to deal with? For example, if you’ve got teenagers, they don’t want to do house work. They want to do everything to avoid it, but if you’re talking about the benefits or what you’ll do for them after they’ve done the house work that may be a mismatch, and that’s not what’s important to them. They want to find strategies to reduce how much time they have to spend doing it or avoid it all together.
Many people who go to coaching are not goal-oriented, and this is very upsetting for coaches because one of the things we coaches do is we want to find out what are somebody’s goals, but if they’re motivated to get rid of problems, we need to match that both in our language and our behavior. That’s why we talk about that in the LAB Profile, which is short for Language and Behavior Profile.
There’s going to be much more information on this because I’m hosting a brand new teleclass called Influencing and Persuasion on April 12 at 1:00 PM, Eastern time (EST), 6:00 PM Central European time, 5:00 PM U.K. and Ireland.
You’ll get all your questions answered and we’ll go over quite a few of the LAB Profile patterns, and you’ll get a chance to solve some of your persuasion problems. Hope to see you there, www.shellesevents.com.
If you would like to have me speak at an event, please email me here: [email protected]
“What’s the problem with empathy?” you might say. “Empathy is a good thing.” Sometimes too much empathy can reinforce a person’s belief in their issues and create or affirm a problem that that he or she is having, which can leave him or her in a negative, stuck state.
I was in a three-way conversation recently with someone who is going through a very messy divorce, and she was telling her story while the two of us listened intently. The other person who was listening said, “Oh”, with a distressed tone of voice, “how’s it going?” She made a lot of little noises and accompaniments: “Oh, that must be difficult”, and appeared to be really living through the difficult experience with the other friend who is having the divorce.
(You may need to watch the video at www.shellestoptips.com to see the role that voice tone and body language played in this conversation.)
The more empathy she showed, and I was watching the other person, the more depressed-looking the divorcée became. I thought, “I have to do something!”
When I first came back to Canada from France, I got out of my marriage with two babies and just two suitcases. I had to restart a life on my own again, which was difficult. Some people were extremely empathetic. They would say, “Gee, it’s got to be hard to raise two kids on your own and look for a job and everything else.” And I would think to myself, “If I choose to believe what you’re offering me, it will be really hard to get out of bed each day. Every day is going to feel like a big struggle.”
I had to reframe what they said, just to protect myself and so I got into the habit of saying, “Being a single parent is actually a lot easier than living with a drunk. So it’s a big improvement.”
The lesson is: Be very careful about what you empathize with because too much empathy can make people feel bad.
I had another friend, when I went through breast cancer treatment, who used to say, “Gee, how difficult is that whole thing? If you ever want to cry on someone’s shoulders, I’m your person.” And I thought, “I don’t want to cry anymore. I want someone to cheer me up.” Check out my article called: Ten Tips for Surviving the Health Care System for helping people with health issues.
Try this for a while. If someone speaks to you about a problem, why not cheer them up instead of empathizing with all the difficulties? You could say: “Gee, I bet you’re looking forward to the end of that!” or “I bet you don’t want to stay there too long.” Change your tone a little bit.
The rule of thumb that I have is:
Be close to the person but keep your distance from his or her problem.
If you get inside the problem with them and live it with them, you reinforce all the negativity around the problem.
Someone approached me and asked me for some coaching and said that she was stuck. I could have said, “Gee, that’s got to be difficult to feel stuck,” but I didn’t want to do that. What I said was, “Oh, I bet you don’t want stay feeling like that for long, when you don’t have to.” And she agreed with me. She said, “That’s right,” and I watched her perk up immediately.
Watch the impact of what you say, because as soon as you say something, you will see and hear how the person responds. Do you push them down and make them feel worse or build them up? So I invite you to pay attention to what you say and don’t be too empathetic.If you are interested in booking me (Shelle Rose Charvet) for a presentation, keynote or workshop contact me at [email protected]. Please visit my speaking page, too.”
Many people ask me “What do you do when you’ve got an audience of people that really don’t want to be there?” Or an audience what I call “conscientious objectors”. Now, I don’t mean the anti-war activists and the pro-peace people. I mean the people that constantly object to what you say. They always find what’s wrong with it.
Here are a couple of tips for presenting to those people. First tip: Avoid being overly enthusiastic. If you’re not Tony Robbins, then don’t get into people’s face by saying, “This is the greatest thing since sliced bread. This is going to transform your existence.”
You know, a lot of people don’t want you to decide for them, and when you’re enthusiastic at a gut level, at a below conscious level, that feels like you’re telling people what to do and what to think. Now, there are some cultural differences in this. In the United States of America, in my opinion, it is an enthusiastic culture and if you’re not at least a bit enthusiastic about your own ideas, at some level people perceive that you’re not congruent.
You don’t really believe it yourself. But if you go over the top in countries like Canada, the United Kingdom, and the rest of Northern Europe — France, Germany — Eastern Europe, and also in my experience in Asia, people think, “Wow! This person is bossy. They want to tell me what to do.” And so unless you have impeccable credibility, if you’re too enthusiastic, it turns people off. So avoid being enthusiastic unless you’re presenting in America in which case you need a lot more energy and you do need to generate some enthusiasm. But there again, avoid being commanding in telling what to do, at least in my opinion.
It’s up to you to decide, of course. Demonstration alert. Here’s another tip: When you’re preparing your presentation and you suspect that you may have some skeptics in the audience, think about their perspective. What might they object to? So if I’m trying to tell you that these are the best tips or these are hot tips for presentations, what might be somebody’s objections? Well, the first objection I can think of is “Hot tips don’t work if you’ve got people who don’t want to be in the room and don’t want to listen to you. What do you then?” Now, what I do in my presentations is I honor those objections by mentioning them. So I’ll say, “Listen, I have some hot tips for you about how to engage people in presentations.
Now, some of you may be thinking, ‘Well, what do you do? And this isn’t going to work if you’ve got people who don’t want to be there and they are just sitting there and they don’t want to listen, right?'” And you go through a couple of the objections before you start. That will let people know that you know what they’re thinking and that you have some answers for them. You don’t always have to answer those objections. Just mention them.
Now, for some more tips on skeptical people and the four-part skeptical people process, check out my CD, Presenting Ideas to Skeptical People
Check out www.ShellesTopTips.com
If you want some tips on communicating and solving some of the problems, check out my new book, “The Customer is Bothering Me,” lots of hints on communication. If you are interested in booking me (Shelle Rose Charvet) for a presentation, keynote or workshop contact me at [email protected]. Please visit my speaking page too.
I was with a person in her early 20’s and I heard her repeat several times in the conversation: “That’s how I am.” Or: “I always have this problem.” Or: I can’t do that.” Or: “I don’t do that.”
“What a shame!” I thought. She has limited her life in so many ways, simply by making up her mind about what is possible and not possible for her. It’s like walking down a corridor and deliberately closing many of the doors, locking them and throwing away the key.
I say deliberately because it is a choice, but I am aware that she, and probably most of us, don’t realize that we ourselves are making these decisions at the time – often we perceive them as facts, not opinions.
The Scientific American Brain and Mind (2015 March/April), cites a large body of research that came to the following conclusions:
So what do you do when you notice that you or someone else have closed a bunch of doors?
First – get permission. There is little point talking to a closed door.
“Could I give you a slightly different perspective on that?” may open the door a crack.
Check again to pry it open a little wider: “I had an idea about this and I’d like to find out what you think.”
If the person expresses or shows some curiosity, now they are peeking out to see what else might be out there. Good start!
Second: State your door opening idea as a possibility or a suggestion and then give the benefit of the suggestion and the problem it solves.
I was just thinking what if you broke down this desire into some steps and put them in your calendar as “to do’s” each week (suggestion)? Then it would be clearer, what you needed to do and you could follow your plan (benefit). That way you wouldn’t be stuck in the same place any longer. (problem solved – moving away from the problem).
Last, after they have thought about it or discussed it, help them take a first step through the door. “If X were possible, I’m wondering what the first step might be.”
Example: “If you were to think about making this desire happen, what might be the first step?”
To really help someone open and pass through a door that they had closed, it is important to end on a concrete step, a procedure.
If you end a conversation on all the options, they may still be stuck, because they first have to choose which option to take.
The next time I catch myself deciding something is too difficult, not within my capabilities or not likely to happen, I will:
Please try this out and let me know what you think!
Many people of the baby boomer generation are helping their parents move on to the next phase of their life and I know from my own personal experience, sometimes there’s too much information, it can be too confusing and it’s hard to get a decision. When I’m thinking about helping someone make a good decision, usually what people do is they say, listen I think you should do this or I’d like you to do that or they give them too many choices; we could do this or this or this. That’s just too many options and that doesn’t help with the confusion.
Learn more about Influencing and Persuasion
My top tip for helping seniors make a good decision would be to state what it is that you think they want. So first of all, before you even state that, have a discussion with them about what’s important to them and notice the exact words that they choose. Like, I want to be independent or I don’t want anyone bothering me or I don’t want people telling me what to do. So that whenever you do make a suggestion to help them make a decision, let them know that you’ve been thinking about it. And say something like, you know, I’ve been thinking, you said you don’t want people to be bothering you and you want to be independent, so my suggestion so that you can be independent and not have anybody bothering you would be to have a look at a couple of places that might not be so bad. Now, here’s my suggestion, do not be enthusiastic.
If you say that might not be so bad, it’s a lot easier for your parents to hear this from you rather than you saying, I’ve got this great place that you should check out because I’m sure you’ll like it. That’s bound to put their hackles up. So state their goal, what is important to them and then make a suggestion, it’s just a suggestion of course, to an option or two that might not be so bad. And here’s another tip. If you know they’re in a mode to reject everything that you say, show them a couple of unacceptable options first and then show them one that you think they may like so they’ll get all the negative stuff out of the way and then pick a positive stuff. So if you’re looking for alternative living arrangements, take them to two places that you think they won’t like.
Don’t be enthusiastic, just say, I want to take you there to see what you think about this and they’ll say, oh, no, no, I don’t like that; take them to another, oh, no, no, I don’t like that. And then take them to the third place that you think meets their criteria, meets what they want and have them have a look at it, and don’t you be too enthusiastic. And these are some of the top tips for how to help a senior make a decision.
There’s a lot of things for seniors to consider and they could use your help. Good luck. For more tips on communication, check out www.ShellesTopTips.com If you are interested in booking me (Shelle Rose Charvet) for a presentation, keynote or workshop contact me at [email protected].
It can be a problem to present an idea or project at work because if you don’t present it correctly, sometimes you don’t get approval. So, here are some tips on how to get approval when you present a project at work.
First of all, when you start the project, make sure you get agreement on the criteria; what is important, what are you trying to achieve, what are the judgment standards by which it will be judged. Two very important questions to ask are “What are we trying to achieve” and “How will we know that the objectives have been met”.
Then when you present the project, before you start, remind everybody of the criteria. So, we said, this is what we’re trying to achieve, these are the standards we’re trying to meet, and then as you’re presenting your project, point out why you made certain choices and how those meet the criteria for judgment.
Another tip is make sure you use the language of suggestion. Look very confident; look like you know what you’re talking about. But instead of being commanding and talking down to people and making facts and statements say, this is what we recommend; this is why I came to this conclusion; here’s our suggestion for what we believe is the best way to meet these criteria.
Example, I was working with a group of book designers in a large publishing company and they said their big problem was when they presented their covers to the management, they would get answers back like, I don’t like it and can you make the letters a bit big and that red color doesn’t really suit me. And the issue was they hadn’t properly framed the design.
I suggested to them to make sure they get a really good project brief with all the criteria and standard before they start and then to post the project in the meeting room, cover it up with a sheet, and then to frame the project. This particular book project is designed for grade 3 math teachers. What we agreed is that grade 3 math teachers like the following things, dislike the following things, these are important to them. So if you like the design today, then maybe we haven’t done it correctly because this design is not for you, it’s designed to meet the needs of the grade 3 math teacher. So, once you get agreement on that pre-framing then you can present and show why. And again, look confident, but use the language of invitation, the language of suggestion, this is what we recommend, this is my suggestion, this is why we did what we did with regards to the criteria.
Check out www.ShellesTopTips.com If you want some tips on communicating and solving some of the problems.
“Shelle is an entertaining and engaging speaker with a sparkling stage presence and a winning way with words – but her true gift is her ability to talk about the issues – the ones nobody else is brave enough to put in the spotlight.”
I enjoyed the program very much. A good mixture of teamwork and partner work, well structured. I love Shelle’s style, very authentic! Influencing in a very positive way. I’m motivated to stay in contact and learn more from Shelle.
“I was struggling on how to present information to a group of 75 people. Thinking about your program on how to motivate skeptical people, I realized I was planning on using TOWARDS, goal-oriented motivational language; when they really are motivated to move AWAY FROM problems. I switched my language and held their attention through out my presentation.”
“This was an excellent program- Shelle is superb, she makes the material come alive and goes way beyond expectations.”
Shelle’s keynote ‘Conversational Coaching’ was absolutely fascinating!
“Shelle, the influencing tools you present, work. You use what you teach. You demonstrate how to reach rapport with people and give my group tools that help them deal with difficult people.”
I attended Shelle’s keynote on ‘Conversational Coaching.’ The sort of thing you find yourself in with family members and corridor conversations. Absolutely fascinating – a completely different perspective. I have used it several times already.
A wonderful program that is valuable and insightful on both a professional and personal level. I will be able to make an immediate application to my presentation skills and the course materials are designed for future application in coaching and interviewing managers for development programs. The best workshop I have ever attended in my professional career. Shelle is without equal; truly unique.
“Amazing life-changing experience that was multi-layered in many different ways. Astonishing – Fun. Learned a lot!! Thank you!”
It was a great opportunity in my life to spend 2 weeks with open-minded and kind colleagues. I learned real quality topics, with a great impact on our lives from the best trainer we could ever have.