Category Archives: New

Top Ten Tips for Improving Your Relationships in 2018

I spent the holidays with my family and therefore had the opportunity once again, to think about relationships and how I contribute to what happens, what goes right and what slips off the rails.
As I began to think about 2018, I have asked myself: “How could I be a better person this year?”

And this list is just what I need!
Thanks to Stephanie Staples, David Gouthro, my brothers, children, and grand-children for your inspiration!

Please take a look and write a comment about what you think and what’s on your list.

  1. Look at beautiful nature around you, and notice how it makes you feel. Research shows this will lower your stress level and make you feel good. And when you feel good, you make your relationships better.
  1. Imagine how you want your key relationships to improve this year. See an image in your mind’s eye of being with each person you care about, listening to each other, being open to each other, laughing and sharing fun activities together. Find examples in the past of when you already were just like you want to be now with them.
  1. Create an anchor (association) for each key relationship, when you see how you want to be with them in your mind’s eye (from 9. above), to recall this image and the feeling it gives you. You can sigh in a wistful way, touch a finger, smile, and feel the smile on your face, or just picture the person and you.
  1. Think about who you need to forgive, and forgive them fully for whatever happened. A new year is a great time to start with a clean slate, and a re-opened heart.
  1. Think about to whom you need to ask for forgiveness; apologize, ask forgiveness, and make amends. There are probably some people, with whom you have been inpatient, dismissive, irritable, cranky, unfair, angry etc. Start with a clean slate by reconnecting, taking responsibility, apologizing and do something meaningful to them to make amends.
  1. Tell and show your favourite people why you appreciate them. Make it short and sweet and true (of course.) Why are you grateful that they are in your life?
  1. Tell and show someone who needs a boost what you respect, appreciate, and love about them. Your words can make a huge difference.
  1. When someone annoys you, breathe deeply, touch your anchor and remember what you appreciate about them. It makes it easier to listen and find out what is happening for them.
  1. If someone is aggressive with you, breathe deeply, touch your anchor, looked concerned and say tell me more! Be in a curious state and seek to understand their point of view. When you delay reacting, and go for understanding their point of view, you are more likely to get their point, even if you don’t share it!
  1. Speak your truth, be kind and helpful. The people you care about will eventually thank you for your candour!

1.a Open your heart and be full with inner strength. Relationships aren’t as difficult as they seem and they are so much more rewarding that we ever thought.

4 Anti-dotes to stop you from giving up

As we head into 2018 many people are doing their annual planning, goal-setting activities. (Notice I didn’t say resolutions – be it resolved that….. bleh!)

A lot people I know confess to being way too busy and that shows up by not keeping their own commitments to themselves and to others!


Here are 4 anti-dotes to giving up to help you achieve what is important to you!

  1. Say-Do Principle: If you want to have long term credibility with others, apply the Say-Do Principle.

Only say you will do something if you ARE going to do it, WHEN you said you would. Hold your breath and count to 10 before spouting any ill thought-out sentences that others will take as a commitment on your part.

Make this a rule that you follow. If you have to miss a deadline, communicate a new deadline as soon as possible. This will earn you much respect and trust from everyone you care about.

  1. Detail/Big Picture: One of the most important gifts you can give yourself if you want to be successful, is to identify where to place your attention. Often people get lost in the detail when trying to make a decision and lose sight of the larger stakes.

Recently someone I know was stuck about deciding whether to take a job that would mean a move to a region where she wanted to live, because her husband had not yet found a job in this region.  She was bogged down in the logistical details, forgetting that they had decided as a couple that the big goal was to live in the new region.

When she and her husband zoomed out to the big picture, and their overall goal, her next steps were obvious. Take the job! Interestingly when she kept her commitment to their goal, her husband was offered a job almost immediately after she said yes.

  1. Options/Procedures: When people are focused on options, alternatives and possibilities, they have big struggles completing commitments. We call this the Options Pattern from the Language and Behavior Profile (LAB Profile). These folks tend to be very creative but often do not follow through on what they say they are going to do.

If someone has a preference for a step by process when they do things, what we call a Procedures Pattern, they are more likely to follow through with their commitments. In fact, when you hear Procedure language, such as “the next step, then, after that, process, how to get to the end goal”, etc., it may actually indicate that the person IS committed to doing what they said they would do.

To improve your ability to follow through and actually do what you committed to doing, get yourself into a more Procedures mode. An easy way to do this is to schedule WHEN you will do the steps needed to fulfill your commitment right in your calendar. And be a slave to your calendar. Ok, not really a slave as such — but use your calendar to guide your actual work activities, and not only your appointments with others.

  1. Delegate: If you still suck at doing what you said you were going to do; hire someone and give them the task. I do this in my work by hiring freelancers on elance.com to do many of the tasks I don’t have time for. Obviously, if your commitment was about making time for looooove with your partner, delegating this task may lead to some undesired consequences. J

The Power of Commitment

When you only SAY the things you will actually DO, suddenly you have a super power! Others trust you and treat you with respect. You get the things you want from life because you have made the commitment to do what is needed, when you said you would.

A simple commitment: Say-Do, and create whatever you want!

Comments welcome!

I was a special “secret guest”.

The last time I did that was when I was born. No one knew my Mum was going to have twins until I showed up!

Shockers, eh?

Ingrid Huttary, a German NLP trainer, invited me to participate in an Online German-language NLP Congress. She asked if I could do it in German, and I’m reminded, of course, of my favourite dialogue from The Matrix:

“Can you fly this thing?”
“Not yet.”

“Noch nicht!”
That was my answer. So she graciously interviewed me in English and went to the trouble to add subtitles in German.

The interview is about the latest developments and applications with LAB Profile(r) and my upcoming new online programs.

And you can see the interview and if your German is better than mine, you can also get free access to the video interview with top German NLP trainers.

The interview is available free from this Sunday at 6pm Central European time until Monday 6pm CET. (12 noon Eastern time Sunday to 12 noon Eastern time Monday, 3am Monday Sydney time to 3am Tuesday Sydney time)

Get access to the inappropriate snippets below and register for the free full interview:

Vimeo

Facebook

I’m wondering why Ingrid chose the snippets of the interview that she did. Or maybe I’m just getting weirder!

Enjoy!

Shelle

Why this probably isn’t the end of the world as we know it.

If you are getting the news, hanging out on Facebook, or just having conversations about current events you’ve probably noticed that the tone has changed dramatically. Depending on one’s point of view, people seem to be elated, panicked or have gone into hiding as a result of the 2016 US elections. There is a lot of shouting going on.

Protests in the US went on for days after the election. Many of my friends on Facebook are predicting dire consequences of a Trump Presidency. Media from around the world has been alternately between blaming Clinton campaign strategy, the FBI director, third party candidates for this election result and engaging in hand-wringing or panic-based predictions.
As I’ve been in Berlin for a little while, I caught the cover of Der Spiegel, Germany’s weekly news magazine with the title: spiegel-trump

The End of the World as We Know it” from R.E.M.’s famous song.
(Transparency alert: I would never have voted for Donald Trump and have been an ardent Hillary support, but I’m Canadian and British, so it is irrelevant.)
BTW for a completely different explanation of the result,
check out my niece Jessica Rose’s piece posted on the Berkeley School of Law Blog.

I think we all need to chill out and accept the result of the US election. Why? Because it is just possible that this is not actually the end of the world as we know it.

These events have been going on right when I am in the middle of
putting myself through Byron Katie’s self-inquiry process.

And if there is one thing I am learning about from this psychological cleansing process,
it’s that whatever is happening,
IS the current reality
and that
we make ourselves miserable by thinking
about what should have happened instead
,
bemoaning the lamentable current state of affairs,
and whining about how we want it to be – but it isn’t.

These are hard lessons to learn. Many people really believe that this result shouldn’t have happened. Maybe they are right – but it’s irrelevant. It did happen.

Here are some of Byron Katie’s inquiry questions
that force us to face reality as it is,
instead of suffering because of our thoughts and beliefs about it.

So if you’ve been thinking as I did:

“This is a terrible outcome for planet earth in general and the good American people specifically,”

Byron Katie would ask: “How do you react when you have that thought?”
I feel worried, anxious, and stressed out about all the terrible things that could result from a Trump presidency – naturally.

Then she would ask: “Who would you be without this thought?”
I would be more relaxed and able to see all the positive events that are happening in the world to make it a better place, and not only the events that I believe are depressing.

I’d be able to remember great things that are happening such as:
– advances in our understandings of how people function and what they need to be fulfilled,
– people who have been isolated from the world, getting access to broad band internet, enabling them to connect, earn a living and more fully participate,
– women more fully taking leadership roles in key corporate and government positions,
– greater awareness of how our habits affect the environment and what we can do about it
– being able to keep in touch with people I love all over the world, whenever I want.

Once I got to this place – one of being able to see what else of a more positive nature is going on in the world – I suddenly realized that when I was participating in the growing awfulizing, I was completely denigrating the capacity of people to be creative, resilient and forward-thinking.

Now that I think about it, this planet has more potential than problems. Every time one of us makes a real connection with another, we improve something. When we communicate online to many, we have the possibility of making a positive difference.

As the late Canadian politician Jack Layton said in his last letter to Canadians:

“My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear.
Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic.
And we’ll change the world.”

We can do this!

How to Sell to Internals

How to Sell to Internals

My coaching client Brenda, the owner of a web design
and google ads management company, had done an analysis of the current web strategy for one of her prospects.Skeptical
She had unearthed valuable information but had
no way to present it
.
And her prospect, also a business owner could be difficult to deal with. Continue reading

A great book for women!

Last year while participating in a new mastermind group, I met Dr. Mache Seibel. Formerly head of women’s health at Harvard, and editor of My Menopause Magazine, which won a 2013 Web Health Award. And he is a musician, (he writes musicals and even hilarious rap music to promote health) and he’s such a great person!

So I’m delighted to tell you about Mache’s groundbreaking new book,
The Estrogen Window.

Here’s how he explains it:

“Many women and their doctors are confused about estrogen.  In The Estrogen Window, Dr. Seibel explains how every woman has an “estrogen window” of opportunity.  Not only can women safely take estrogen during this window, but also taking the hormone in the estrogen window provides a wide range of health benefits that can protect them from breast cancer, heart disease, dementia, and more. Yet, taking estrogen after a woman’s estrogen window closes can increase the risk for breast cancer, heart and Alzheimer’s disease, and more.

Once you read The Estrogen Window, you’ll have all the information you need to discuss this with your doctor and decide the treatment that is best for you to create a healthy and vibrant life.”

When you pre-order the book before April 15th, he has put together some amazing bonuses as a thank you. 

You’ll find all the details here.

Dr. Seibel explains how every woman has an “estrogen window” of opportunity.  Not only can women safely take estrogen during this window, but also taking the hormone in the estrogen window provides a wide range of health benefits that can protect women from breast cancer, heart disease, dementia, and more.

I asked Mache for some advice about some issues I’d been having
and was amazed at his ability to understand what I was going through and his insightful suggestions. I’m grateful that his book is available to women.

Cheers,
Shelle

Come procrastinate with me!

Here it is, nearly the end of January already!! This is a year of big changes for me.
You may not have known, but I had treatments for breast cancer in 2014-15 and am finally getting my vitality and energy back!

And I am putting my health as number 1 priority. Along with fun and doing worthwhile work. And after nearly 10 years as a couple, Micha & I have finally decided to live together. Between Berlin and Burlington and other parts of the world!

So it’s taking a while to figure out my exact goals for 2016. And if you are not yet completely sure what you want for this year, I thought I would invite you to procrastinate with me!

Yes procrastinate! Let’s take a little time out and have a look inside.

You see, most people do not set goals – and for a very good reason!
Most goal-setting processes do not work.
Years ago when I started teaching the NLP Outcome Strategy in companies,
people would come up to me, months or years later and whisper in my ear:
“I tried that goal process. It didn’t work. I don’t know why.”

As a present for you, here is a recording called Wishing, Wanting & Achieving,
my audio program to help you figure out what is motivating you!
And help you increase your effectiveness,
by modelling what works and doesn’t work for you!

“Thank you for this….I found it so useful and simple to understand & to use.  Using real life examples really made the process really come alive for me.”
~ Joanne Coulson, UK

If you like this recording, you can get my mini e-book,
Wishing Wanting & Achieving
, only $9.99

I can’t thank you enough for this program! I have a lot of pieces in place in my head after I have listened to it and I’m going to listen it over and over again as it has always puzzled me why people don’t achieve goals even if they “really” (as they themselves say it, me included) want to do those things. I only wish that this I’ve got my hands on this material earlier; though we have to be ready for the information too. Thanks very much again!”
~ Elena Kjærsdam, Denmark

p.s. The early bird registration date for the LAB Profile® Consultant/Trainer Certification
has been extended to Feb 28, 2016, so that you can get the best price!

How to Open a Closed Mind

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I was with a person in her early 20’s and I heard her repeat several times in the conversation: “That’s how I am.” Or: “I always have this problem.” Or: I can’t do that.” Or: “I don’t do that.”

“What a shame!” I thought. She has limited her life in so many ways, simply by making up her mind about what is possible and not possible for her. It’s like walking down a corridor and deliberately closing many of the doors, locking them and throwing away the key.

I say deliberately because it is a choice, but I am aware that she, and probably most of us, don’t realize that we ourselves are making these decisions at the time – often we perceive them as facts, not opinions.

The Scientific American Brain and Mind (2015 March/April), cites a large body of research that came to the following conclusions:

  •  Students who believe intelligence is “malleable” do better in university than those who do not.
  • Partners who are convinced personality is malleable do more to resolve conflicts by looking for mutually-beneficial solutions.
  • People who see “adversaries” as flexible, view them more positively.
  • Minority students who decide that people’s biases can change over time may be more motivated and resilient even during negative events.
  • People who are more flexible negotiators do better than their peers.

So what do you do when you notice that you or someone else have closed a bunch of doors?

Firstget permission. There is little point talking to a closed door.
“Could I give you a slightly different perspective on that?” may open the door a crack.

Check again to pry it open a little wider: “I had an idea about this and I’d like to find out what you think.”

If the person expresses or shows some curiosity, now they are peeking out to see what else might be out there. Good start!

Second: State your door opening idea as a possibility or a suggestion and then give the benefit of the suggestion and the problem it solves.

Example:

“I was just thinking what if you broke down this desire into some steps and put them in your calendar as “to do’s” each week (suggestion)? Then it would be clearer, what you needed to do and you could follow your plan (benefit). That way you wouldn’t be stuck in the same place any longer. (problem solved – moving away from the problem).”

Lastly, after they have thought about it or discussed it, help them take a first step through the door. “If X were possible, I’m wondering what the first step might be.”

Example: “If you were to think about making this desire happen, what might be the first step?”

To really help someone open and pass through a door that they had closed, it is important to end on a concrete step, a procedure.

If you end a conversation on all the options, they may still be stuck, because they first have to choose which option to take.

The next time I catch myself deciding something is too difficult, not within my capabilities or not likely to happen, I will:

  1. Ask myself if I would like to consider another possibility (permission).
  2. Ask if it were possible/desirable, what would be the point (benefit) and what issue would it solve for me (problem solved and moved away from)
  3. What would be the first step?

Please try this out and let me know what you think!

So what do you expect?

Here it is, the middle of January and I haven’t  set my goals for the year. Didn’t feel like it yet.

My son suggested that I listen to last week’s This American Life Podcast, entitled Batman. They asked: “Can thoughts influence a rat’s behaviour?” It turns out that yes, whether scientists believe their rats are smart or not directly influences their ability to perform tasks.

So of course the next thought is how does that apply to people? They explored in detail Daniel Kish, a man who lost his site as a toddler and how he uses clicks to navigate and do most things that sited folks do. Just search “blind guy who rides a bike” on YouTube to see him for yourself.

But can he actually “see”? A German neuroscientist, explained that images are not external but created in the visual cortex of the brain. She discovered that for Daniel and others who have trained themselves to click, their visual cortex lights up when they use clicking to identify objects in their environment.

It is similar to the peripheral vision you might have when you are walking down the street, texting on your smart phone. You can vaguely see traffic and people around you, but not be able to read signs.

Cool, eh? But how did he manage this, when millions of other blind people are much more dependent on others? It turns out that as a young child, he was not subject to the usual restrictions placed on blind kids. Nobody stopped him when he tried to do things and he developed the clicking methodology (similar to the echolocation used by bats – hence the Batman appellation).

I had a conversation at brunch with friends last week about their worry about their university student son’s lack of social skills and how they are petrified that his life could out badly. I was shocked and asked if they were aware of how their fears were probably communicated to their son? And how this expectation might actually help create the result they most fear?

And then I thought of my expectations on my grownup sons. One I expect to be thoughtful and easy to communicate with. The other is volatile, impatient and hard to get along with. (Yes it’s painful to expose my beliefs about my kids.) And of course I KNOW they are both incredibly intelligent. (They are Jewish after all — cultural expectation – we think our kids are geniuses.) Have I programmed them this way with my expectations?

And what about me? For many years I have expected that I will be “almost” successful. I only recently became aware of this belief/expectation. I’m not sure where it came from —- but it’s possible that I picked it up from expectations in my environment.

So what?

We can be influenced by the expectations aimed at us. From my work with Motivation Triggers, we are External, (affected by factors outside of our body/mind). At least at certain times and places in our lives.

Why, just this morning I listened to the American Life podcast and was inspired to write this piece. It inspired me. And inspired me to really think about what I could do, if I expected great things of myself.

I think I’ll hold that thought for a day inside me. Feel it, see it, hear it, touch, taste and smell it. I expect that I will do great things. This year. Starting now.

What if you surrounded yourself by people and thoughts that are inspiring?
Would that change how you feel and what you accomplish?
Well, there’s only one way to find out!

Please let me know what happens!