Category Archives: Main

Words That Change Minds is everywhere

The new edition of Words That Change Minds continues to go gangbusters with well over 100 downloads and 30 paperbacks shipped per DAY! Unbelievable!

And now, if you’d rather listen to it, while you are travelling or out for a run,
the Audio Version is available on Audible, Amazon and iTunes.

Because of all the interest, several publishers have contacted me from China, Brazil and other countries to publish this version. Cool, eh?

And I was recently interviewed on the CashFlow Academy Podcast on Persuasion and you can listen here: https://thecashflowacademy.com/show/ or search for CashFlow Academy on your phone in your Podcasts app.

Here are some of the highlights and where to find them in the recording:

7:24: How Does A Person Begin To Learn The Skill Of Persuasion?
16:40: How Do Selling & Persuading Differ?
29:03: What’s The Best Way To Get Someone To Call You Back?
39:19: How Do You Successfully Deal With An Angry Customer?
44:59: How Do You Persuade Someone To Lend You Money For A Business?

And lastly, there are still a few spots available for my live seminar in New York City on August 24, and 25, 2019.
For more information https://nlptraining.com/words-that-change-minds/

Please let me know if you read the new edition of Words That Change Minds and what you thought of it.
And please leave a review of the book and the new audio on Amazon; reviews really help!

Judge Kavanaugh and Dr. Blasey Ford

The Clarence Thomas – Anita Hill affair in 1991 polarized America along male-female lines in the same way that the OJ Simpson trial polarized the nation along the black-white fault line, and the debate still rages over what happened.

And without a fuller understanding of what happened then, the chances of avoiding another smashing of a woman victim of sexual assault are minimal.

Suzette Haden Elgin, a socio-linguist, professor and author of the series: The Gentle art of Verbal Self-Defense postulated a reason Anita Hill was never believed, and Clarence Thomas was found credible by the white male senators. In her 1993 book Genderspeak: Men, women, and the gentle art of verbal self-defense, Haden Elgin identified gender-based “Operating Metaphors”; metaphors by which people run their life.

A person’s Operating Metaphor fills in the blank in the sentence “Life is a ……..” and enables them to have fundamental rules about how to run their life.

Haden Elgin found that many men’s Operating Metaphor is “Life is a team sport,” and that most activities are therefore a game, where the objective is to win, even if you need to bend the rules (i.e. stealing a base in baseball). In a team sport everyone has a role to play and you are expected to play your role.

She found that many women run their lives as if Life is a “Traditional Schoolroom,” where if you do the right things, follow the rules, and work hard you will be promoted (pass exams, go to next grade). Failure is a disgrace. Cheating or being dishonest is shameful.

Haden Elgin’s explanation of the Thomas-Hill debacle is that Thomas played the game very well. He played the race card, the victim card and since he played these roles very well, his role in the game being played out was fully understood by the white male senators holding court. For Anita Hill to have had any credibility with these men, she would have had to look the part and play the role of a victim of sexual harassment. In other words, she needed to look downtrodden, beaten-up, her life in tatters.

But this was not her game. She wasn’t playing a game. She bravely did the right thing and stood up against someone who broke the workplace rules. She forthrightly and assertively made her case, without embellishing or cowering under the barrage of invasive attacks by the Republican senators. She most certainly did not come across as a victim.

So they couldn’t believe her —- she was not in the same story as the decision-makers.

If Dr. Ford is to have a whisper of a chance of being believed, unfortunately she will need to demonstrate to the game-players in their terms that she was indeed a victim of Judge Kavanaugh’s sexual aggression. And this in an era where facts are construed as partisan wrangling – once again the game metaphor at play.

Male and female Traditional Models

The International NLP Conference is coming up soon.
It’s in London on May 18 to 20, 2018.
I will be running a new workshop at the conference on the Saturday about the male and female traditional values and behaviour and how they show up today.

I made a quick video about an incident that happened recently that made me want to address this topic.
And early registration for the NLP Conference is open until March 31, 2018.

Hope to see you there!
Cheers,
Shelle

 

Guess and Test: How to Practice giving LAB Profile® Feedback

There are hundreds of thousands of people around the world who using the LAB Profile®.

They ask the questions and use the Profiles they generate
for recruitment,
for understanding their teammates who they manage,
for better understanding of their customers, and
knowing how to position offering to those customers.

While many people have mastered doing a LAB Profile®,
one of the people who just finished the LAB Profile® Online Practitioner Certification Program recently asked me:

“Are there some resources available to learn how to give proper feedback to people on the results that we get? I have some trouble with that.”

 Of course, the first thing I did was analyze her question for embedded LAB Profile® Patterns.

“Are there some resources available” – That’s an Options Pattern.
“To learn how to give proper feedback” –  Toward and Procedures Patterns.
“To people on the results we get.” Thing and Person Patterns
“I have some trouble with that.” – Internal and Away From Patterns.

I am known for my bizarrely high-level skill at being able to identify the Patterns in the most obscure of places, including inside the sentences people say, and write.

But the issue is, how to identify what is most important to the person communicating with me?

The most important part of her request is “how to give proper feedback.”
This is Procedures Language and includes her Criteria (what is the most important for her).

Here’s how I answered:

Here’s my suggestion to learn how to give LAB Profile® Feedback, what I call “Guess and Test.”

1. The first step is to make sure you are at ease describing the behaviours of each of the LAB Profile® Patterns. To master that, I suggest you practice describing each pattern, as many times or for as long as you need, to become comfortable with that.

For example:

Toward: when you have a Toward pattern you are focused on achieving a goal. If you don’t have a goal, it is hard to get motivated or to get started. And you don’t like having to deal with problems.

2. Then to practice giving feedback, start with the Context where the person has the Pattern and then give the person the description of the pattern.

Example: When you are at work, you have what is called a Toward pattern. This means you tend to be focused on achieving a goal. If you don’t have a goal, it is hard to get motivated or to get started. And you don’t like having to deal with problems.

3. Make sure you make statements and that you are looking at your client to see how they react.
In my experience, it takes a number of times, or a while practicing for this for it to feel more natural. In the beginning, when you may not be so comfortable, have page 12 to 14 of the LAB Profile® Learning Manual (or the LAB Profile® Patterns Description page from Words That Change Minds and The Customer is Bothering Me) to help you with the behavioural descriptions.

4. You can also re-watch the videos in the online program where I am demonstrating giving feedback. Try doing feedback yourself a few times and then watch what I do. (These videos are part of the LAB Profile® Online Practitioner Certification.)
Alternatively, you can listen to the MP3 Understanding & Triggering Motivation where I am doing several demonstrations.

Notice that I have outlined a clear Procedure above, with the exception of the “alternative” in the end of step 4.
When someone wants to learn something, giving them a Procedure to follow makes it much easier that offering them too many Options.

If you want to become more proficient in using what I call the Guess and Test LAB Profile® Methodology, and would like to benefit from seeing my demonstrations, here is a special offer:

Here’s a special coupon code to get 50% off on my LAB Profile® Online Program, and 50% off on my LAB Profile Learning Program, which includes the Understanding and Triggering Motivation MP3’s.

The coupon code is “GUESSANDTEST”. Just put this into the shopping cart coupon box.

Click here get your copy of the LAB Profile® Learning Program.

To get the LAB Profile® Online Practitioner Certification, go to www.labprofileonline.com and scroll to the bottom.

This coupon is good until Thursday March 1, 2018 at midnight Eastern Time.

When you are with people, do you take the time to read and listen not only to WHAT people are saying, but HOW they are saying it? Can you pick up their Patterns and feed them back?

I hope this Procedure will help you master the Guess and Test, so that you can be more certain that you identified the Patterns correctly.

Thanks Maria for a great question!

 

 

 

 

How to write a book in under one minute

I was having an inspiring lunch with 2 wonderful people at a Turkish restaurant here in Berlin today and we were discussing projects.  And they mentioned a book that they are working on.

I suggested that there was a short way to write a book and they were intrigued. So they recorded me.

To be clear…. the recording is under one minute, not the book writing! (there is some background noise, but it’s very audible, and who cares? It’s under a minute.)

And these tips may help you start and finish other projects!
Enjoy!

Shelle
ps. Please post your comments below! How could you use these tips in your projects?

Oprah Winfrey’s Speech Analysis

Oprah Winfrey’s riveting speech at the Golden Globe Awards in January 2018 has been analysed by my colleague from the National Speakers Association in the US, Sam Horn. Sam is one of the most creative people I know, author of Tongue Fu and many other works. (See her bio below)

With Sam’s permission, here is her analysis, including links to the speech:

Was the acceptance speech Oprah Winfrey gave at the Golden Globes the BEST 9 minute speech … ever?

Here are my thoughts on why her talk was so masterful and meaningful. I’d love to hear what you think.

1. She showed up to serve. She was there to inspire, not to impress. This was about creating a rising tide raising all involved, not about self-aggrandizement.

2. She spoke naturally and without notes. Oprah invested the effort to memorize her talk so she could connect with her audience and speak from the heart instead of being “in her head” reading a transcript (verbatim) from a teleprompter. This freed her up to be “in the moment” and “in flow” so she could fully focus on giving the speech of a lifetime, the speech she was born to give.

3. Her content was superbly crafted and condensed. I can only imagine the weeks of preparation that went into distilling this message into an “every word matters” momentum that swept us up in its elegance and eloquence. Imagine all the things she wanted to say yet disciplined herselt to edit out.

4. There was no embellishing, no grand-standing. No try-too-hard language that rang false or self-conscious mannerisms that detracted from the message.

5. It had a reveal. Original talks delight us because they introduce something new and meaningful we weren’t aware of before. When Oprah revealed that the investigator assigned to Recy Taylor’s case was none other than … (wait for it) … Rosa Parks, there was an audible “I didn’t know that” gasp from the audience.

6. She started with WHERE. Oprah’s first words were, “In 1964, I was a little girl sitting on the linoleum floor of my mother’s house in Milwaukee watching Anne Bancroft present the Oscar for best actor at the 36th Academy Awards. She opened the envelope and said five words that literally made history: ‘The winner is Sidney Poitier.’ Up to the stage came the most elegant man I ever remembered. His tie was white, his skin was black—and he was being celebrated. I’d never seen a black man being celebrated like that. I tried many times to explain what a moment like that means to a little girl watching from the cheap seats as my mom came through the door bone tired from cleaning other people’s houses. But … ”

By putting us in the scene of WHERE she was and what it was like watching a black man receive an award, we understood the significance of her (the first black woman) receiving this award. It fleshed out what an incredible full circle Hero Journey story this is. She put us THERE by jumping right into her WHERE.

7. The truth is in the details. Oprah’s specificity of visual details not only helped us see what she was saying, it caused us to conclude she was telling the truth. We don’t believe vague stories. We wonder if the speaker is making them up, and if the speaker is making this up, what else are they making up?

Mark Twain talked about the importance of carefully chosen words: the difference between lightning and lightning bug. She didn’t just watch Sidney Poitier receive his award, she was sitting on the linoleum floor while she did. That one word linoleum made this story real and relatable and viscerally engaged us because we were picturing the linoleum floor of our childhood.

8. She linked historical and current events. She referenced the true story of Recy Taylor to show that brutality has been happening for decades, and then segued into what’s happening now with Recy serving as a metaphor for all people (past and present) who have suffered abuse and have not been heard, seen, recognized or respected.

9. She didn’t call people OUT, she called them UP. Instead of throwing people under the bus and making this about race or gender, (which would only have created further polarizing divisiveness), Oprah’s goal was to bring people together and galvanize us to move forward in cooperation, not conflict.

10. It featured repeatable, retweetable sound-bites and memorable memes that will take her talk viral. Her enduring one-liners “What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have.” “Their time is up. Their time is up.” “A new day is on the horizon.” ensure that her message will be shared on social media platforms which means it will reach even more people globally and will remain top-of-mind for a long time. And isn’t that what we want?

11. It was inclusive. She spoke of “phenomenal men who choose to listen” so this was not male-bashing. She expanded the scope of her intended audience by naming diverse industries which increased relevance and the likelihood that people from all walks of life would feel she was talking to them.

She said, “It’s not just a story affecting the entertainment industry. It’s one that transcends any culture, geography, race, religion, politics, or workplace. So I want to express gratitude to all the women who have endured years of abuse and assault because they, like my mother, had children to feed and bills to pay and dreams to pursue. They’re the women whose names we’ll never know. They are domestic workers and farm workers.They are working in factories, in restaurants, in academia, engineering, medicine, and science. They’re part of the world of tech and politics and business. They’re our athletes in the Olympics and our soldiers in the military.”

12. She created an emotional crescendo. Just as a symphony increases intensity to lead to a dramatic finale, Oprah ramped up her energy and vocal volume towards the end. Yet it didn’t feel artificial, it felt authentic. Whatever we want our audience to feel, we’ve got to feel first. If we want people to care passionately and feel empowered, we’ve got to model that by speaking with passion and power. We must launch the emotional bandwagon we want people to jump on in the final minute of our talk.

13. It ended on a note of hope.

She closed with, “I’ve interviewed and portrayed people who’ve withstood some of the ugliest things life can throw at you, but the one quality all of them seem to share is an ability to maintain hope for a brighter morning, even during our darkest nights. So I want all the girls watching here, now, to know that a new day is on the horizon! And when that new day finally dawns, it will be because of a lot of magnificent women, many of whom are right here in this room tonight, and some pretty phenomenal men, fighting hard to make sure that they become the leaders who take us to the time when nobody ever has to say ‘Me too’ again.”

The best talks have book-ends, call-backs and continuity. They repeat and refer back to what was said in the beginning to create a satisfying full-circle experience. Oprah used the words she wanted us to remember and act on in her send-off. She wanted us to believe it’s possible to feel hope when dealing with ugliness, to see a new day in the midst of darkness. So, instead of being subtle about that, she used and imprinted the exact “rally cry” words she wants us to carry forward.

In doing all the above, she delivered what I believe will become this century’s version of Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech

What were your take-aways from Oprah’s speech? How did it impact you – as a person – as a leader – as a speaker?

My take-away is that EVERY speaking opportunity matters. There’s no such thing as a throw-away talk. If we’re receiving an award, participating on a panel, presenting a keynote or giving a report at a staff, board or annual meeting; we have a responsibility to honor the occasion and say something that matters.

We CAN make an enduring difference (even in a few minutes) if we invest the time and effort to craft a meaningful message – and if we put our mind to it.

The @YouTube clip of Oprah’s speech is at this link – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fN5HV79_8B8

About Sam Horn

Sam Horn, CEO of Intrigue Agency, helps people create quality books, businesses, presentation that add value for all involved. Her books – POP!, Tongue Fu! and Got Your Attention – have been featured in New York Times, Forbes, Fast Company and presented to Boeing, Capital One, Intel, Cisco and National Geographic. For more articles and to watch her TEDx talk – visit www.SamHorn.com

Thanks so much Sam!

Please add your comments below.

 

Top Ten Tips for Improving Your Relationships in 2018

I spent the holidays with my family and therefore had the opportunity once again, to think about relationships and how I contribute to what happens, what goes right and what slips off the rails.
As I began to think about 2018, I have asked myself: “How could I be a better person this year?”

And this list is just what I need!
Thanks to Stephanie Staples, David Gouthro, my brothers, children, and grand-children for your inspiration!

Please take a look and write a comment about what you think and what’s on your list.

  1. Look at beautiful nature around you, and notice how it makes you feel. Research shows this will lower your stress level and make you feel good. And when you feel good, you make your relationships better.
  1. Imagine how you want your key relationships to improve this year. See an image in your mind’s eye of being with each person you care about, listening to each other, being open to each other, laughing and sharing fun activities together. Find examples in the past of when you already were just like you want to be now with them.
  1. Create an anchor (association) for each key relationship, when you see how you want to be with them in your mind’s eye (from 9. above), to recall this image and the feeling it gives you. You can sigh in a wistful way, touch a finger, smile, and feel the smile on your face, or just picture the person and you.
  1. Think about who you need to forgive, and forgive them fully for whatever happened. A new year is a great time to start with a clean slate, and a re-opened heart.
  1. Think about to whom you need to ask for forgiveness; apologize, ask forgiveness, and make amends. There are probably some people, with whom you have been inpatient, dismissive, irritable, cranky, unfair, angry etc. Start with a clean slate by reconnecting, taking responsibility, apologizing and do something meaningful to them to make amends.
  1. Tell and show your favourite people why you appreciate them. Make it short and sweet and true (of course.) Why are you grateful that they are in your life?
  1. Tell and show someone who needs a boost what you respect, appreciate, and love about them. Your words can make a huge difference.
  1. When someone annoys you, breathe deeply, touch your anchor and remember what you appreciate about them. It makes it easier to listen and find out what is happening for them.
  1. If someone is aggressive with you, breathe deeply, touch your anchor, looked concerned and say tell me more! Be in a curious state and seek to understand their point of view. When you delay reacting, and go for understanding their point of view, you are more likely to get their point, even if you don’t share it!
  1. Speak your truth, be kind and helpful. The people you care about will eventually thank you for your candour!

1.a Open your heart and be full with inner strength. Relationships aren’t as difficult as they seem and they are so much more rewarding that we ever thought.

4 Anti-dotes to stop you from giving up

As we head into 2018 many people are doing their annual planning, goal-setting activities. (Notice I didn’t say resolutions – be it resolved that….. bleh!)

A lot people I know confess to being way too busy and that shows up by not keeping their own commitments to themselves and to others!


Here are 4 anti-dotes to giving up to help you achieve what is important to you!

  1. Say-Do Principle: If you want to have long term credibility with others, apply the Say-Do Principle.

Only say you will do something if you ARE going to do it, WHEN you said you would. Hold your breath and count to 10 before spouting any ill thought-out sentences that others will take as a commitment on your part.

Make this a rule that you follow. If you have to miss a deadline, communicate a new deadline as soon as possible. This will earn you much respect and trust from everyone you care about.

  1. Detail/Big Picture: One of the most important gifts you can give yourself if you want to be successful, is to identify where to place your attention. Often people get lost in the detail when trying to make a decision and lose sight of the larger stakes.

Recently someone I know was stuck about deciding whether to take a job that would mean a move to a region where she wanted to live, because her husband had not yet found a job in this region.  She was bogged down in the logistical details, forgetting that they had decided as a couple that the big goal was to live in the new region.

When she and her husband zoomed out to the big picture, and their overall goal, her next steps were obvious. Take the job! Interestingly when she kept her commitment to their goal, her husband was offered a job almost immediately after she said yes.

  1. Options/Procedures: When people are focused on options, alternatives and possibilities, they have big struggles completing commitments. We call this the Options Pattern from the Language and Behavior Profile (LAB Profile). These folks tend to be very creative but often do not follow through on what they say they are going to do.

If someone has a preference for a step by process when they do things, what we call a Procedures Pattern, they are more likely to follow through with their commitments. In fact, when you hear Procedure language, such as “the next step, then, after that, process, how to get to the end goal”, etc., it may actually indicate that the person IS committed to doing what they said they would do.

To improve your ability to follow through and actually do what you committed to doing, get yourself into a more Procedures mode. An easy way to do this is to schedule WHEN you will do the steps needed to fulfill your commitment right in your calendar. And be a slave to your calendar. Ok, not really a slave as such — but use your calendar to guide your actual work activities, and not only your appointments with others.

  1. Delegate: If you still suck at doing what you said you were going to do; hire someone and give them the task. I do this in my work by hiring freelancers on elance.com to do many of the tasks I don’t have time for. Obviously, if your commitment was about making time for looooove with your partner, delegating this task may lead to some undesired consequences. J

The Power of Commitment

When you only SAY the things you will actually DO, suddenly you have a super power! Others trust you and treat you with respect. You get the things you want from life because you have made the commitment to do what is needed, when you said you would.

A simple commitment: Say-Do, and create whatever you want!

Comments welcome!