I spent the holidays with my family and therefore had the opportunity once again, to think about relationships and how I contribute to what happens, what goes right and what slips off the rails.
As I began to think about 2018, I have asked myself: “How could I be a better person this year?”
And this list is just what I need!
Thanks to Stephanie Staples, David Gouthro, my brothers, children, and grand-children for your inspiration!
Please take a look and write a comment about what you think and what’s on your list.
Look at beautiful nature around you, and notice how it makes you feel. Research shows this will lower your stress level and make you feel good. And when you feel good, you make your relationships better.
Imagine how you want your key relationships to improve this year. See an image in your mind’s eye of being with each person you care about, listening to each other, being open to each other, laughing and sharing fun activities together. Find examples in the past of when you already were just like you want to be now with them.
Create an anchor (association) for each key relationship, when you see how you want to be with them in your mind’s eye (from 9. above), to recall this image and the feeling it gives you. You can sigh in a wistful way, touch a finger, smile, and feel the smile on your face, or just picture the person and you.
Think about who you need to forgive, and forgive them fully for whatever happened. A new year is a great time to start with a clean slate, and a re-opened heart.
Think about to whom you need to ask for forgiveness; apologize, ask forgiveness, and make amends. There are probably some people, with whom you have been inpatient, dismissive, irritable, cranky, unfair, angry etc. Start with a clean slate by reconnecting, taking responsibility, apologizing and do something meaningful to them to make amends.
Tell and show your favourite people why you appreciate them. Make it short and sweet and true (of course.) Why are you grateful that they are in your life?
Tell and show someone who needs a boost what you respect, appreciate, and love about them. Your words can make a huge difference.
When someone annoys you, breathe deeply, touch your anchor and remember what you appreciate about them. It makes it easier to listen and find out what is happening for them.
If someone is aggressive with you, breathe deeply, touch your anchor, looked concerned and say tell me more! Be in a curious state and seek to understand their point of view. When you delay reacting, and go for understanding their point of view, you are more likely to get their point, even if you don’t share it!
Speak your truth, be kind and helpful. The people you care about will eventually thank you for your candour!
1.a Open your heart and be full with inner strength. Relationships aren’t as difficult as they seem and they are so much more rewarding that we ever thought.
The holidays are near. Family time! Can you cope? Want some easy tips manage your stress and emotions? Have a look at this and let me know what you think. (But no comments on my hair please !)
Why this probably isn’t the end of the world as we know it.
If you are getting the news, hanging out on Facebook, or just having conversations about current events you’ve probably noticed that the tone has changed dramatically. Depending on one’s point of view, people seem to be elated, panicked or have gone into hiding as a result of the 2016 US elections. There is a lot of shouting going on.
Protests in the US went on for days after the election. Many of my friends on Facebook are predicting dire consequences of a Trump Presidency. Media from around the world has been alternately between blaming Clinton campaign strategy, the FBI director, third party candidates for this election result and engaging in hand-wringing or panic-based predictions.
As I’ve been in Berlin for a little while, I caught the cover of Der Spiegel, Germany’s weekly news magazine with the title:
“The End of the World as We Know it” from R.E.M.’s famous song.
(Transparency alert: I would never have voted for Donald Trump and have been an ardent Hillary support, but I’m Canadian and British, so it is irrelevant.)
BTW for a completely different explanation of the result, check out my niece Jessica Rose’s piece posted on the Berkeley School of Law Blog.
I think we all need to chill out and accept the resultof the US election. Why? Because it is just possible that this is not actually the end of the world as we know it.
These events have been going on right when I am in the middle of putting myself through Byron Katie’s self-inquiry process.
And if there is one thing I am learning about from this psychological cleansing process,
it’s that whatever is happening,
IS the current reality and that we make ourselves miserable by thinking
about what should have happened instead, bemoaning the lamentable current state of affairs,
and whining about how we want it to be – but it isn’t.
These are hard lessons to learn. Many people really believe that this result shouldn’t have happened. Maybe they are right – but it’s irrelevant. It did happen.
Here are some of Byron Katie’s inquiry questions
that force us to face reality as it is,
instead of suffering because of our thoughts and beliefs about it.
So if you’ve been thinking as I did:
“This is a terrible outcome for planet earth in general and the good American people specifically,”
Byron Katie would ask: “How do you react when you have that thought?”
I feel worried, anxious, and stressed out about all the terrible things that could result from a Trump presidency – naturally.
Then she would ask: “Who would you be without this thought?”
I would be more relaxed and able to see all the positive events that are happening in the world to make it a better place, and not only the events that I believe are depressing.
I’d be able to remember great things that are happening such as:
– advances in our understandings of how people function and what they need to be fulfilled,
– people who have been isolated from the world, getting access to broad band internet, enabling them to connect, earn a living and more fully participate,
– women more fully taking leadership roles in key corporate and government positions,
– greater awareness of how our habits affect the environment and what we can do about it
– being able to keep in touch with people I love all over the world, whenever I want.
Once I got to this place – one of being able to see what else of a more positive nature is going on in the world – I suddenly realized that when I was participating in the growing awfulizing, I was completely denigrating the capacity of people to be creative, resilient and forward-thinking.
Now that I think about it, this planet has more potential than problems. Every time one of us makes a real connection with another, we improve something. When we communicate online to many, we have the possibility of making a positive difference.
As the late Canadian politician Jack Layton said in his last letter to Canadians:
“My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.”
My coaching client Brenda, the owner of a web design
and google ads management company, had done an analysis of the current web strategy for one of her prospects.
She had unearthed valuable information but had
no way to present it.
And her prospect, also a business owner could be difficult to deal with. Continue reading →
Have you ever noticed that some people keep on succeeding,
while others have great ideas but nothing happens with them in the end?
Do you know people who SAY they will do something and then put it off repeatedly?
Do YOU do this? But do you know what that seemingly small decision reveals about you?
Firstly, it tells others that you are not trustworthy and cannot be counted on. Continue reading →
I just came across an interview I did with Dianne Lowther, an excellent UK-based
NLP and business trainer, and a friend.
I re-listened to it and realized that we were talking about very practical ways to use NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) and the LAB Profile® to:
– create a depth of rapport and credibility with anyone
– help your coaching clients’ solve their issues without having to argue with them
– what you have to do to actually apply it
– how to increase response rates for marketing and sales
– how to get agreements sooner in negotiating and bargaining,
– how to influence people through others, when you can’t talk directly to the decision-makers,
and much more.
Have a listen yourself and see what you think!
I hope you get lots of great ideas from this!
If you open this recording on your smartphone, you can listen to it in your car, walking, running, on the train, or anywhere!
Hint Alert: There are lots of ideas in this recording. Remember the key to applying good ideas is identifying step-by-step how to use an idea. First identify your outcome, then the steps to get there. And commit to following your plan! (Is that the hardest part? lol)
(français au fond)
I’m writing you from Berlin, getting ready to go to Paris later this week.
I’m so sad about the wars and bombings over the last few months, ….. years! It’s heart-breaking to see what is happening to so many people in so many places. And now again in my old neighbourhood in Paris.
I’m so glad that I belong to communities of people who work and life to improve people’s lives — this is what is important to remember every day. How can I contribute and make things better?
When I get home, I will be contributing to helping Syrian refugees come to Canada.
I hope you also will continue to contribute to making this world a better place.
Je vous écrisde Berlin, et je me prépare àaller à Parisplus tard cette semaine.
Je suissi triste à propos des guerreset les attentatsau cours desderniers mois, …..et dernières annés!Il estnavrantde voirce qui se passeà tant de gensdanstant d’endroits. Et maintenantà nouveau dansmon ancien quartierde Paris.
Je suis heureuse queque jeappartienne à des communautésde personnes qui travaillent et vivrepour améliorerla vie d’autrui — ceciest ce qui estimportant de se rappelertous les jours. Comment puis-je améliorer les choses?
Quand jerentre à la maison, je vaiscontribuer àaider lesréfugiés syriens venont au Canada. Je souhaiteégalement que tu peux continuer àcontribuer à faire dece mondeun endroit meilleur.
Believing their partner thinks like they do even when they know that’s not true.
Thinking their partner can pick up hints — they can’t.
Being convinced that their partner knows what they want.
Allowing discomfort or some other reason to stop them from talking to their partner about what is is important to them.
Swallowing disappointment, frustration and annoyance till the negative emotion bursts out into resentful yelling.
Telling their partner what to do and expecting that they will do it.
Nagging their partner repeatedly when the partner hasn’t done the “honey-do” list.
Feeling frustrated and powerless because their partner won’t do what they told them to do.
Not considering alternative ways to communicate when the above strategies don’t work.
Resigning themselves to having a mediocre or poor relationship.
How many of these have you caught yourself doing?
This doesn’t have to continue! I have created an iPhone app just for you!
Check out this short video to see how the app works.
It is one of 3 helpful videos in my HusbandMotivator™ IPhone app.
If you want to know exactly how to talk to your partner (whether your partner is a man or a woman); what to say & do and more importantly what not to say or do,
please check it out in the app store: Look for HusbandMotivator(tm)
This loaded app lets you:
Pick a specific kind of situation, (and you can use it over and over for different situations!) Helps you identify your partner’s key Motivation Triggers in that situation
Teaches you the 4 Step Motivating Method
Gives you a summary script to get your message across, and
You can email yourself the script so it’s handy when you need it!
And if you are thinking: “What about a WifeMotivator app?”,
don’t worry, you can use HusbandMotivator(tm) with anyone, including the most difficult people in your life.
Check it out for yourself in the app store and
see how you can improve your communication about: Activities Chores/Tasks Family Health Money/Finance Relationship/Intimacy Work/Career
I’d love your feedback on the app! Please tell me what you think.
The news is bad. As usual. Wars, refugees fleeing, earthquakes, climate change, mass job losses, hunger, racism and bombs. Even if you turn the news off, the negativity still confronts you from many places. Many people are walking around with high levels of fear, anxiety and panic.
When you think about it, the fact that you personally can do nothing about the global crises means that you are free to do whatever you choose. While many people are suffering, wringing their hands and worrying, you will notice that there are people who have taken advantage of the collective mental hibernation to retool, rethink and restart.
The opportunity is here for you to clarify and create what you want. Why not? There are certainly no guarantees from employers, so waiting and hoping your job will not be eliminated will not help you if your job does get cut. When you think about it, you would be much better off to design the future you want, rather than wait and hope somehow it happens for you.
One Size Does Not Fit All!
This is where psychology can help. There is a psycho-linguistic tool called the Language and Behavior Profile (LAB Profile®), which shows how different people operate from different Motivation Triggers and Thinking Patterns. It is used in by marketers to understand and motivate large groups as well as organizations for hiring, managing employees.
For example, some people are only motivated when they get to take the initiative. This is the LAB Profile® Motivation Trigger called Proactive. They love being active and getting out and making it happen. Right now they are really frustrated because they are being told everything is out of their control. When these people are unable to take initiative they become de-motivated and depressed quite quickly. To get out of their negative space they need to proactively create a new reality for themselves. The easiest way for them to create compelling images about what they want.
Here are some of the questions a proactive person needs to ask:
• What do I really want in my life, or in my work?
• Why is that important to me?
• What are the steps I need to take right now to make this happen?
• What possible obstacles do I need to prevent now?
• What is the first step I can do today?
These questions are oriented towards action. A Proactive needs to act now and have something specific to do. These questions allow that person to get into action immediately and start getting results.
But this will not work for someone who prefers to think things through slowly and carefully. This person has a Reactive Motivation Trigger and really needs to thoroughly understand what they are going to do.
Here are some questions a Reactive person can ask themselves to consider how to get out of their mental hibernation:
• What is important to me in my life or in my work?
• Why is that important?
• What steps will need to be in place to have this happen?
• What could be the obstacles that I will need to have a solution for?
• What are the solutions to the obstacles?
• What is the first step in my plan I can start today?
These questions allow the Reactive person to think their situation through, without feeling pushed. They need to spend some time creating a vision in their mind and working out the steps towards it.
Some people are only motivated when they have a goal. About 40% of the population has this pattern, the LAB Profile® Towards Motivation Trigger. A Towards person will act when they have a goal to move towards, otherwise they can get stuck and not move forward. During a time world or personal crisis many Towards people panic because they see only problems around them and nothing to move towards. This can be disastrous for them unless they take the initiative to create their own goals.
Here are some questions they can ask themselves:
• What do I want in my work and in my life?
• What will that do for me?
• What are the steps I will need to take to achieve my goals?
• What are the obstacles I will need to find a solution for to achieve my goals?
• What is the first step I can do today to move toward my goals?
If only 40% of the population are motivated to achieve goals, what is motivating the others?
The other 40% of the population is motivated to avoid or prevent problems from occurring or to solve one that is already happening. This Motivation Trigger is called Away From because these people are motivated to move away from the things they do not want.
In a crisis there are many things they could move away from and they run the risk of turning in circles, away from all the bad alternatives. The key for them is to make sure they focus on one issue to move away from and to identify what they want instead.
Here are some questions that they can answer to help find their way and not get lost:
• What do I most want to prevent from happening?
• What do I want instead?
• If I do not succeed in that, what will happen?
• If I do succeed, what will I gain?
• What are the steps I need to take to move away from what I don’t want and to achieve what I do want?
• What are the obstacles I will need to overcome?
• What can I start today so that I won’t stay stuck?
The last question in each set is critical because it helps get the person moving and back into action moving towards their goals (or away from their problem).
You can see that it is important to match a person’s motivation to get out of mental hibernation. You can ask the questions in a way that engages a person’s motivation rather than trying the “one size fits all” solution.
The LAB Profile® is composed of six distinct Motivation Triggers categories and eight mental processing categories. Business leaders, marketers, human resource professionals, trainers, consultants and coaches are now using the LAB Profile around the world to understand, predict and motivate people’s behavior.
Jodi is waiting for Marco to come to her office. Today is feedback day and she has the Feedback Sandwich formula open on her desk.
Marco arrives and plunks himself down in the chair opposite Jodi, submitting himself reluctantly to what is about to occur. “I’m glad you’re here,” says Jodi, getting the ball rolling on an upbeat note. “Let’s talk about your presentation to the team yesterday. You were very enthusiastic about the project’s progress, and I also thought that….” Jodi stops as she notices Marco slumping in his chair, eyes cast downwards. “What’s wrong?” she asks.
I enjoyed the program very much. A good mixture of teamwork and partner work, well structured. I love Shelle’s style, very authentic! Influencing in a very positive way. I’m motivated to stay in contact and learn more from Shelle.
Bernd KoepkeRatingen, Germany
“I learned of Shelle purely by accident. I was rooting through a box of books at a garage sale when the bottom of the box gave way and “Words That Change Minds” fell out. The book was in quite poor condition and had been personalized by the previous owner. I bought it, read it, then bought myself a new copy a few months ago, which I personalized and I’m still re-reading it continuously and gaining new insights each time.”
“Very useful framework for enhancing both organizational and individual performance. I see three situations for immediate application at work.”
“Shelle, I can’t tell you how pleased and impressed I am after watching you teach in this program. I don’t know if you realize how critical I can be–and you gave me no opportunity to demonstrate that skill! I have respected your work for years, but I was unprepared for the richness of the program–especially the organization, sequencing, and nonverbal delivery.
This program ought to be mandatory in any program including training/presentation skills!“
Steve AndreasNLP Developer and TrainerColorado
I attended Shelle’s keynote on ‘Conversational Coaching.’ The sort of thing you find yourself in with family members and corridor conversations. Absolutely fascinating – a completely different perspective. I have used it several times already.
“I’ve trained with many trainers in the UK and in North America, and
nobody seems to know their subject as deeply as Shelle knows hers.“
John CliffCommunication Consultant
I just watched your Top Tip on “Dealing with Setbacks.” Very helpful. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, visions and ways to deal with life and its ups and downs.
Amazing how you manage, within 3 minutes, to “open” up a situation and bring some positive impact. Simple and yet brilliant !
Monique RichterProfessional CoachParis
The program is great, and met my expectations to come from my country to learn it. Shelle is warm, thoughtful, pays attention to participants and she cares. She is great!
“Wow, the most powerful course I have taken. It will be helpful in choosing clients and determining what the client really wants as well as teaching this tool. My sincerest thanks to you, Shelle and the coaches. The best 2 weeks vacation I ever spent.”
“The breadth and depth of Shelle’s knowledge is extensive and built on and complemented what I’ve already learned. Shelle established and maintained a positive relationship with the participants. The LAB Profile® is easily transferable to workplace and personal relationships.”