Category Archives: expectations and beliefs

Top Ten Tips for Improving Your Relationships in 2018

I spent the holidays with my family and therefore had the opportunity once again, to think about relationships and how I contribute to what happens, what goes right and what slips off the rails.
As I began to think about 2018, I have asked myself: “How could I be a better person this year?”

And this list is just what I need!
Thanks to Stephanie Staples, David Gouthro, my brothers, children, and grand-children for your inspiration!

Please take a look and write a comment about what you think and what’s on your list.

  1. Look at beautiful nature around you, and notice how it makes you feel. Research shows this will lower your stress level and make you feel good. And when you feel good, you make your relationships better.
  1. Imagine how you want your key relationships to improve this year. See an image in your mind’s eye of being with each person you care about, listening to each other, being open to each other, laughing and sharing fun activities together. Find examples in the past of when you already were just like you want to be now with them.
  1. Create an anchor (association) for each key relationship, when you see how you want to be with them in your mind’s eye (from 9. above), to recall this image and the feeling it gives you. You can sigh in a wistful way, touch a finger, smile, and feel the smile on your face, or just picture the person and you.
  1. Think about who you need to forgive, and forgive them fully for whatever happened. A new year is a great time to start with a clean slate, and a re-opened heart.
  1. Think about to whom you need to ask for forgiveness; apologize, ask forgiveness, and make amends. There are probably some people, with whom you have been inpatient, dismissive, irritable, cranky, unfair, angry etc. Start with a clean slate by reconnecting, taking responsibility, apologizing and do something meaningful to them to make amends.
  1. Tell and show your favourite people why you appreciate them. Make it short and sweet and true (of course.) Why are you grateful that they are in your life?
  1. Tell and show someone who needs a boost what you respect, appreciate, and love about them. Your words can make a huge difference.
  1. When someone annoys you, breathe deeply, touch your anchor and remember what you appreciate about them. It makes it easier to listen and find out what is happening for them.
  1. If someone is aggressive with you, breathe deeply, touch your anchor, looked concerned and say tell me more! Be in a curious state and seek to understand their point of view. When you delay reacting, and go for understanding their point of view, you are more likely to get their point, even if you don’t share it!
  1. Speak your truth, be kind and helpful. The people you care about will eventually thank you for your candour!

1.a Open your heart and be full with inner strength. Relationships aren’t as difficult as they seem and they are so much more rewarding that we ever thought.

4 Anti-dotes to stop you from giving up

As we head into 2018 many people are doing their annual planning, goal-setting activities. (Notice I didn’t say resolutions – be it resolved that….. bleh!)

A lot people I know confess to being way too busy and that shows up by not keeping their own commitments to themselves and to others!


Here are 4 anti-dotes to giving up to help you achieve what is important to you!

  1. Say-Do Principle: If you want to have long term credibility with others, apply the Say-Do Principle.

Only say you will do something if you ARE going to do it, WHEN you said you would. Hold your breath and count to 10 before spouting any ill thought-out sentences that others will take as a commitment on your part.

Make this a rule that you follow. If you have to miss a deadline, communicate a new deadline as soon as possible. This will earn you much respect and trust from everyone you care about.

  1. Detail/Big Picture: One of the most important gifts you can give yourself if you want to be successful, is to identify where to place your attention. Often people get lost in the detail when trying to make a decision and lose sight of the larger stakes.

Recently someone I know was stuck about deciding whether to take a job that would mean a move to a region where she wanted to live, because her husband had not yet found a job in this region.  She was bogged down in the logistical details, forgetting that they had decided as a couple that the big goal was to live in the new region.

When she and her husband zoomed out to the big picture, and their overall goal, her next steps were obvious. Take the job! Interestingly when she kept her commitment to their goal, her husband was offered a job almost immediately after she said yes.

  1. Options/Procedures: When people are focused on options, alternatives and possibilities, they have big struggles completing commitments. We call this the Options Pattern from the Language and Behavior Profile (LAB Profile). These folks tend to be very creative but often do not follow through on what they say they are going to do.

If someone has a preference for a step by process when they do things, what we call a Procedures Pattern, they are more likely to follow through with their commitments. In fact, when you hear Procedure language, such as “the next step, then, after that, process, how to get to the end goal”, etc., it may actually indicate that the person IS committed to doing what they said they would do.

To improve your ability to follow through and actually do what you committed to doing, get yourself into a more Procedures mode. An easy way to do this is to schedule WHEN you will do the steps needed to fulfill your commitment right in your calendar. And be a slave to your calendar. Ok, not really a slave as such — but use your calendar to guide your actual work activities, and not only your appointments with others.

  1. Delegate: If you still suck at doing what you said you were going to do; hire someone and give them the task. I do this in my work by hiring freelancers on elance.com to do many of the tasks I don’t have time for. Obviously, if your commitment was about making time for looooove with your partner, delegating this task may lead to some undesired consequences. J

The Power of Commitment

When you only SAY the things you will actually DO, suddenly you have a super power! Others trust you and treat you with respect. You get the things you want from life because you have made the commitment to do what is needed, when you said you would.

A simple commitment: Say-Do, and create whatever you want!

Comments welcome!

Achieve goals using your own success strategies

Happy new year to you! I wish you all the best!

Here are some quick tips to help you have a successful 2017,
based on your own success strategies!

Find out what your unconscious mind already knows.

If you like what’s in this video, check out my mini e-book,
Wishing, Wanting and Achieving, only $9.99
Read transcript.

How to stay calm when dealing with your family

The holidays are near. Family time! Can you cope? Want some easy tips manage your stress and emotions? Have a look at this and let me know what you think. (But no comments on my hair please !)

Why this probably isn’t the end of the world as we know it.

If you are getting the news, hanging out on Facebook, or just having conversations about current events you’ve probably noticed that the tone has changed dramatically. Depending on one’s point of view, people seem to be elated, panicked or have gone into hiding as a result of the 2016 US elections. There is a lot of shouting going on.

Protests in the US went on for days after the election. Many of my friends on Facebook are predicting dire consequences of a Trump Presidency. Media from around the world has been alternately between blaming Clinton campaign strategy, the FBI director, third party candidates for this election result and engaging in hand-wringing or panic-based predictions.
As I’ve been in Berlin for a little while, I caught the cover of Der Spiegel, Germany’s weekly news magazine with the title: spiegel-trump

The End of the World as We Know it” from R.E.M.’s famous song.
(Transparency alert: I would never have voted for Donald Trump and have been an ardent Hillary support, but I’m Canadian and British, so it is irrelevant.)
BTW for a completely different explanation of the result,
check out my niece Jessica Rose’s piece posted on the Berkeley School of Law Blog.

I think we all need to chill out and accept the result of the US election. Why? Because it is just possible that this is not actually the end of the world as we know it.

These events have been going on right when I am in the middle of
putting myself through Byron Katie’s self-inquiry process.

And if there is one thing I am learning about from this psychological cleansing process,
it’s that whatever is happening,
IS the current reality
and that
we make ourselves miserable by thinking
about what should have happened instead
,
bemoaning the lamentable current state of affairs,
and whining about how we want it to be – but it isn’t.

These are hard lessons to learn. Many people really believe that this result shouldn’t have happened. Maybe they are right – but it’s irrelevant. It did happen.

Here are some of Byron Katie’s inquiry questions
that force us to face reality as it is,
instead of suffering because of our thoughts and beliefs about it.

So if you’ve been thinking as I did:

“This is a terrible outcome for planet earth in general and the good American people specifically,”

Byron Katie would ask: “How do you react when you have that thought?”
I feel worried, anxious, and stressed out about all the terrible things that could result from a Trump presidency – naturally.

Then she would ask: “Who would you be without this thought?”
I would be more relaxed and able to see all the positive events that are happening in the world to make it a better place, and not only the events that I believe are depressing.

I’d be able to remember great things that are happening such as:
– advances in our understandings of how people function and what they need to be fulfilled,
– people who have been isolated from the world, getting access to broad band internet, enabling them to connect, earn a living and more fully participate,
– women more fully taking leadership roles in key corporate and government positions,
– greater awareness of how our habits affect the environment and what we can do about it
– being able to keep in touch with people I love all over the world, whenever I want.

Once I got to this place – one of being able to see what else of a more positive nature is going on in the world – I suddenly realized that when I was participating in the growing awfulizing, I was completely denigrating the capacity of people to be creative, resilient and forward-thinking.

Now that I think about it, this planet has more potential than problems. Every time one of us makes a real connection with another, we improve something. When we communicate online to many, we have the possibility of making a positive difference.

As the late Canadian politician Jack Layton said in his last letter to Canadians:

“My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear.
Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic.
And we’ll change the world.”

We can do this!

I am so sad. Je suis si triste.

(français au fond)
I’m writing you from Berlin, getting ready to go to Paris later this week.

I’m so sad about the wars and bombings over the last few months, ….. years! It’s heart-breaking to see what is happening to so many people in so many places. And now again in my old neighbourhood in Paris.

I’m so glad that I belong to communities of people who work and life to improve people’s lives — this is what is important to remember every day. How can I contribute and make things better?

When I get home, I will be contributing to helping Syrian refugees come to Canada.
I hope you also will continue to contribute to making this world a better place.

Je vous écris de Berlin, et je me prépare à aller à Paris plus tard cette semaine.

Je suis si triste à propos des guerres et les attentats au cours des derniers mois, ….. et dernières annés! Il est navrant de voir ce qui se passe à tant de gens dans tant d’endroits. Et maintenant à nouveau dans mon ancien quartier de Paris.

Je suis heureuse que que je appartienne à des communautés de personnes qui travaillent et vivre pour améliorer la vie d’autrui — ceci est ce qui est important de se rappeler tous les jours. Comment puis-je améliorer les choses?

Quand je rentre à la maison, je vais contribuer à aider les réfugiés syriens venont au Canada.
Je souhaite également que tu peux continuer à contribuer à faire de ce monde un endroit meilleur.

Your friend / ton amie,
Shelle

Top Ten Mistakes Women Make with Their Partners

And how you can avoid them in your relationship!

Here they are:

  1. Believing their partner thinks like they do even when they know that’s not true.
  2. Thinking their partner can pick up hints — they can’t.
  3. Being convinced that their partner knows what they want.
  4. Allowing discomfort or some other reason to stop them from talking to their partner about what is is important to them.
  5. Swallowing disappointment, frustration and annoyance till the negative emotion bursts out into resentful yelling.
  6. Telling their partner what to do and expecting that they will do it.
  7. Nagging their partner repeatedly when the partner hasn’t done the “honey-do” list.
  8. Feeling frustrated and powerless because their partner won’t do what they told them to do.
  9. Not considering alternative ways to communicate when the above strategies don’t work.
  10. Resigning themselves to having a mediocre or poor relationship.

How many of these have you caught yourself doing?
This doesn’t have to continue! I have created an iPhone app just for you!
Check out this short video to see how the app works.

It is one of 3 helpful videos in my HusbandMotivator™ IPhone app.
If you want to know exactly how to talk to your partner (whether your partner is a man or a woman);
what to say & do and more importantly what not to say or do,
please check it out in the app store: Look for HusbandMotivator(tm)
This loaded app lets you:

Pick a specific kind of situation, (and you can use it over and over for different situations!)
Helps you identify your partner’s key Motivation Triggers in that situation
Teaches you the 4 Step Motivating Method
Gives you a summary script to get your message across, and
You can email yourself the script so it’s handy when you need it!

And if you are thinking: “What about a WifeMotivator app?”,
don’t worry, you can use HusbandMotivator(tm) with anyone,
including the most difficult people in your life.

Check it out for yourself in the app store and
see how you can improve your communication about:
Activities
Chores/Tasks
Family
Health
Money/Finance
Relationship/Intimacy
Work/Career

I’d love your feedback on the app! Please tell me what you think.
Cheers,
Shelle

Overcome Fear

I remember a long time ago, when I was planning to escape from my husband. I had hidden the passports (mine and my kids’) in a drawer. I checked the drawer one morning – and they weren’t there!

I panicked – full of fear, heart pounding, l threw papers everywhere looking for those passports! I couldn’t see anything properly, couldn’t think and could hardly breathe.

We have all experienced some kind of fear at some time in our life – pounding heart, sweaty palms, panic, etc.

It’s important to know how to overcome fear, otherwise it can be paralyzing and people can get stuck in a really unhelpful mode.

In this short video  and transcript below find out how your mind can create debilitating fear unnecessarily and some simple ideas for how to prevent or change that.

Fear can be frightening! If you are not aware of what you are doing that is causing your fear, it can be paralyzing and, as a result you can feel like you are stuck in quicksand.

A while ago, I conducted a brand new, very advanced training program that I had never done before. I was in a beautiful location with a group of my graduates but, because I was unsure of the new program, I felt like I was walking out on a limb wondering whether the branch was going to break or not.

You can imagine that if that is how I was perceiving the situation, I ended up being very nervous and afraid about giving this new program. And the problem was I didn’t catch myself in time. I had created a very compelling visual metaphor for this new situation:  “going out on a limb wondering if it were going to break.” I was seeing this limb in my head with me walking on it, and the limb was very thin indeed, with a lot of distance underneath that I could fall down into! How can you help being afraid if you are see such a metaphor that creates fear?

I was not aware of the metaphor I was using and therefore I had a very difficult week. I did good work. I think my participants enjoyed the program, but it was very challenging and exhausting for me. Afterward I realized what I had done and how important it is to be aware of the metaphors running around in your head. A key question: How do you represent what’s going on in your life?

Another example. Recently I was speaking with a woman who was going through a nasty divorce, and she said, “I feel like I’m a sitting duck.” If you are seeing an image where you are like a sitting duck, how are you likely to feel? She was afraid and anxious. She said she felt paralyzed.

In our conversation, we changed the metaphor to one of her coming out of the woods and entering a prairie, where she needs to build some structures to house herself in. Isn’t that metaphor a lot better than feeling like a sitting duck?  During the conversation, she came up with an even better metaphor. She is the powerful Wonder Woman, because she does not have to do what she does not want to do. She found it quite easy to represent her situation in a way that empowers her rather than frightens her.

So my first tip is to be aware of the metaphor you are using to describe a situation. What is the situation like?  Become aware of that and then you can change the metaphor if it doesn’t help you or it doesn’t keep you moving in a positive direction.

The second tip for overcoming fear: Lighten up. Probably, at some point in the future, you are going to look back at this incident– or these series of incidents or this time in your life and say, “Wow. I was a little crazy there. I didn’t really look at all this situation with all the different perspectives that I now can.” Ask yourself: How is this situation funny even if it doesn’t seem funny right now? Your sense of humor, if you remember it, will be of enormous help to you.

Here are a couple of resources on metaphors, how you can think about them and how they affect your life. “Metaphors in Mind” by Penny Tompkins and James Lawley, is an excellent book. And so is “Clean Language” by Wendy Sullivan and Judy Rees. I highly recommend them. They will show you how people construct their metaphors and how you can use “clean language” to work with people, to help them understand their metaphor, their landscape, and how they can continue growing and developing.

For more Shelle’s Top Tips, please go to www.shellestoptips.com

Please let me know what you think below!

Cheers,
Shelle

So what do you expect?

Here it is, the middle of January and I haven’t  set my goals for the year. Didn’t feel like it yet.

My son suggested that I listen to last week’s This American Life Podcast, entitled Batman. They asked: “Can thoughts influence a rat’s behaviour?” It turns out that yes, whether scientists believe their rats are smart or not directly influences their ability to perform tasks.

So of course the next thought is how does that apply to people? They explored in detail Daniel Kish, a man who lost his site as a toddler and how he uses clicks to navigate and do most things that sited folks do. Just search “blind guy who rides a bike” on YouTube to see him for yourself.

But can he actually “see”? A German neuroscientist, explained that images are not external but created in the visual cortex of the brain. She discovered that for Daniel and others who have trained themselves to click, their visual cortex lights up when they use clicking to identify objects in their environment.

It is similar to the peripheral vision you might have when you are walking down the street, texting on your smart phone. You can vaguely see traffic and people around you, but not be able to read signs.

Cool, eh? But how did he manage this, when millions of other blind people are much more dependent on others? It turns out that as a young child, he was not subject to the usual restrictions placed on blind kids. Nobody stopped him when he tried to do things and he developed the clicking methodology (similar to the echolocation used by bats – hence the Batman appellation).

I had a conversation at brunch with friends last week about their worry about their university student son’s lack of social skills and how they are petrified that his life could out badly. I was shocked and asked if they were aware of how their fears were probably communicated to their son? And how this expectation might actually help create the result they most fear?

And then I thought of my expectations on my grownup sons. One I expect to be thoughtful and easy to communicate with. The other is volatile, impatient and hard to get along with. (Yes it’s painful to expose my beliefs about my kids.) And of course I KNOW they are both incredibly intelligent. (They are Jewish after all — cultural expectation – we think our kids are geniuses.) Have I programmed them this way with my expectations?

And what about me? For many years I have expected that I will be “almost” successful. I only recently became aware of this belief/expectation. I’m not sure where it came from —- but it’s possible that I picked it up from expectations in my environment.

So what?

We can be influenced by the expectations aimed at us. From my work with Motivation Triggers, we are External, (affected by factors outside of our body/mind). At least at certain times and places in our lives.

Why, just this morning I listened to the American Life podcast and was inspired to write this piece. It inspired me. And inspired me to really think about what I could do, if I expected great things of myself.

I think I’ll hold that thought for a day inside me. Feel it, see it, hear it, touch, taste and smell it. I expect that I will do great things. This year. Starting now.

What if you surrounded yourself by people and thoughts that are inspiring?
Would that change how you feel and what you accomplish?
Well, there’s only one way to find out!

Please let me know what happens!

 

 

The Feedback Sandwich is Out to Lunch

by Shelle Rose Charvet

Jodi is waiting for Marco to come to her office. Today is feedback day and she has the Feedback Sandwich formula open on her desk.

Marco arrives and plunks himself down in the chair opposite Jodi, submitting himself reluctantly to what is about to occur. “I’m glad you’re here,” says Jodi, getting the ball rolling on an upbeat note. “Let’s talk about your presentation to the team yesterday. You were very enthusiastic about the project’s progress, and I also thought that….” Jodi stops as she notices Marco slumping in his chair, eyes cast downwards. “What’s wrong?” she asks.

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